Quotes By Worst. Person. Ever

“It’s hard to get mad at Neal, because he suffers from a medical condition called total fucking stupidity.”


“Fun fact: The United Nations building in New York City is the only place in all of North America where smoking is still permitted indoors.”


“Instead of feeling sexy and tingly, it felt useless, like recycling plastics or registering to vote.”


“Nobody ever mentions the good side of OxyContin: It makes you feel like Jesus fucking a horse.”


“I seriously wish that he had spent his entire childhood being serially arse-raped by teachers, scoutmasters, members of the clergy, relatives, policemen, doctors, door-to-door salesmen and all registered sex offenders within a 500-mile radius of his unprotected bedroom.”


“Neal fished around in a bag, removed something and handed it to me. It was a forky thing, but with a round depression. “What the fuck is this?” “It’s a spork.”


“Jesus, Neal, watching you eat with a spork is like seeing Helen Keller at a ladies’ afternoon tea.”


“You see … I know nuclear warheads have a bum rap in our culture—radiation, nuclear winter, massive extinction, sad little doll heads lying in the gutter covered with bits of black muck. But to watch one exploding in real life is insanely fucking awesome. Yes. It is true. I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it myself, snacking on saltines and drinking Arrowhead bottled water while our plane circled a heaving, pulsating, smoking-hot 15-kiloton explosion, with Neal pointing out little sparkling patches on the ocean where extra-dense bits of plastic trash were blipping into a green eco-friendly solution for a better tomorrow.
Yes, yes, I know, I know. Atomic weapons. Charred little kittens. Nuns vaporizing. The economy in shambles. But still … what a fucking sight!”


“The thing about Jason Bourne is that he only really shines when he’s being chased. Without the forces of evil pursuing him, Jason Bourne is basically council house trash living on KFC and the proceeds of his illegal Polish and Romanian girlfriends who’ll toss you off for a tenner at the local lottery ticket kiosk.”