Quotes By George Carlin

“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”

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-George Carlin

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”

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-George Carlin

“That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”

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-George Carlin

“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”

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-George Carlin

“Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever ’til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can’t handle money!”

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-George Carlin

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”

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-George Carlin

“There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. ”

-George Carlin

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

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-George Carlin

“Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

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-George Carlin

“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”

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-George Carlin

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”

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-George Carlin

“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”

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-George Carlin
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Books By George Carlin