Quotes About Humor

“I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.”

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-Mark Twain

“Substitute ‘damn’ every time you’re inclined to write ‘very;’ your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.”

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-Mark Twain

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”

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-Mark Twain

“Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.”

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-Mark Twain

“I’ve lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.”

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-Mark Twain

“The easy confidence with which I know another man’s religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.”

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-Mark Twain

“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”

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-Mark Twain

“What would men be without women? Scarce, sir…mighty scarce.”

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-Mark Twain

“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”

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-Mark Twain

“Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee
And I’ll forgive Thy great big one on me.”

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-Robert Frost

“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”

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-Robert A. Heinlein

“He cleared his throat and held up one hand dramatically.
“Green grass breaks through snow.
Artemis pleads for my help.
I am so cool.”

He grinned at us, waiting for applause.
“That last line was four syllables.” Artemis said.
Apollo frowned. “Was it?”
“Yes. What about I am so bigheaded?”
“No, no, that’s six syllable, hhhm.” He started muttering to himself.
Zoe Nightshade turned to us. “Lord Apollo has been going through this haiku phase ever since he visited Japan. Tis not as bad as the time he visited Limerick. If I’d had to hear one more poem that started with, There once was a godess from Sparta-“
“I’ve got it!” Apollo announced. “I am so awesome. That’s five syllables!” He bowed, looking very pleased with himself.”

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-Rick Riordan

“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they’re ok, then it’s you.”

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-Rita Mae Brown

“So please, oh please, we beg, we pray,
Go throw your TV set away,
And in its place you can install
A lovely bookshelf on the wall.
Then fill the shelves with lots of books.”

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-Roald Dahl

“Dreams like a podcast,
Downloading truth in my ears.
They tell me cool stuff.”
“Apollo?” I guess, because I figured nobody else could make a haiku that bad.
He put his finger to his lips. “I’m incognito. Call me Fred.”
“A god named Fred?”

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-Rick Riordan

“The real story of the Fleece: there were these two children of Zeus, Cadmus and Europa, okay? They were about to get offered up as human sacrifices, when they prayed to Zeus to save them. So Zeus sent this magical flying ram with golden wool, which picked them up in Greece and carried them all the way to Colchis in Asia Minor. Well, actually it carried Cadmus. Europa fell off and died along the way, but that’s not important.”
“It was probably important to her.”

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-Rick Riordan

“Let us find the dam snack bar,” Zoe said. “We should eat while we can.”
Grover cracked a smile. “The dam snack bar?”
Zoe blinked. “Yes. What is funny?”
“Nothing,” Grover said, trying to keep a straight face. “I could use some dam french fries.”
Even Thalia smiled at that. “And I need to use the dam restroom.”

I started cracking up, and Thalia and Grover joined in, while Zoe just looked at me. “I do not understand.”
“I want to use the dam water fountain,” Grover said.
“And…” Thalia tried to catch her breath. “I want to buy a dam t-shirt.”

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-Rick Riordan

“You deal with mythological stuff for a few years, you learn that paradises are usually places where you get killed.”

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-Rick Riordan

“Love conquers all,” Aphrodite promised. “Look at Helen and Paris. Did they let anything come between them?”
“Didn’t they start the Trojan War and get thousands of people killed?”
“Pfft. That’s not the point. Follow your heart.”

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-Rick Riordan

“In a way, it’s nice to know that there are Greek gods out there, because you have somebody to blame when things go wrong. For instance, when you’re walking away from a bus that’s just been attacked by monster hags and blown up by lightning, and it’s raining on top of everything else, most people might think that’s just really bad luck; when you’re a half-blood, you understand that some devine force is really trying to mess up your day.”

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-Rick Riordan
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